Love is More Than Socks

He's back! Mark "Mr Socks" Hall has sent me another email. But this time he has bad news. "The Equation of Love makes depressing reading for singletons," he says. ""We've sat down and done the actual maths, and if we're correct, it's a wonder that the human race has actually managed to survive this long."

Perhaps stung by my accusations that his last missive lacked hard science, Mr Socks has gone mathematical. Checking out the 2011 census, Mr Socks has spotted that the number of single adults in the UK rose to 15.7 million, while the number of married couples hardly moved at all. 

I could do with the base levels to those figures, those. Did it rise from 15 million? One million? Statistics is about more than numbers. 

Anyway, I see Mr Socks' point. For anyone interested in the perpetuation of the human species, conservative moral values, the family as the basic unit of society of selling specialist millinery, this increase in single people is a worry. 

He moves onto the nitty-gritty, with one of those lists he seems to love. He calculates the number of things needed for "the average long-term relation ship" to come to "fruition."

I am not sure what he means by fruition. First base? 

Anyway, here's the list: check them off and see whether you've made it.

22 meals out as a couple (does that include kebabs after a John Zorn gig?)

Five meals out with friends in groups of four or more

Two holidays

Meeting the parents

Stay at the parents' house twice

Seven major arguments

Finding approval of at least 55% partners friends and relatives

At least £3000 spent on gifts

I am actually a bit disappointed. He hasn't really worked the socks into this one. Even his pitch is a little limp at the end. He makes a salient point that the consumer society has adopted a disposable attitude and apparently applied it to relationships. I'm sure he could have made a contrast with the importance of a monthly good quality sock delivery.

Actually, I think I have worked out what he means by fruition. He means marriage, or a civil partnership. And I notice that he isn't being quite so heteronormative this time: the couple is not necessarily a man and a woman.

"We've taken it upon ourselves to help gentlemen find and keep their ideal partner, or this nation is facing ruin," Mr Socks concludes. "Socked.co.uk isn't just a sock subscription service. We're here at socked.co.uk day in, day out, offering genuine advice on how to be a proper, caring gentleman who can stick at a relationship."

Is it okay if I admit that I find Mr Socks rather charming? I know my obsession is a total sell-out to some rather transparent marketing, but I've seen his website now. Seriously, he's brilliant. He's going for that whole Chap movement. He might even get Mr B to sing a song about him...