Tuesday, 19 April 2016

A New Sexual Fantasy (Criticulous said it, okay?)

Last night, before I slipped into my codeine sweetened sleep, I put on a Sargon of Akkad video. You see, there's nothing I like more than masturbating to the voice of a man who sounds like he has kidnapped me, tied me to a chair and is explaining why feminism is wrong while pointing a knife at my throat.

Hey, don't judge me. Everyone has their own way of getting kicks.

Unfortunately, about half an hour into his video, Sargon started shouting at a video he was watching, and woke me from my slumber. And this is when the internet upsets me. The level of discourse around really important topics has become a shouting contest.

Another thing that makes me want to buy a glove made of sandpaper for my special alone time, just so that the pain will distract me, is Brendan O'Neill. Brendan said that he wants to literally eat his computer. He experiences such outrage at what he sees on the internet that he literally wants to devour metal. 

Brendan is not angry because he can look out of his office window and watch a parade of humans, the suffering inflicted by consumerism etched on their bodies. He's not angry because first world feminists aren't doing enough to support women in third world rape cultures. He's not even angry because Sargon woke him up from a post-orgasm snooze. He literally wants to eat a computer because some people found Boaty McBoatface funny. 

From this chuckle-fest, Brendan waxes lyrical on a generation who take nothing seriously. Apparently, these losers are apathetic, apolitical, and challenging them is to be called a kill-joy. 

So, they are not, like, saying stupid shit to get attention. Word up, Brendan: if you want the internet to have more depth, try writing about stuff that has more depth. You do manage to write pieces about, like, real politics, dude. But you have written about Boaty McBoatface, Paul Daniels, The Oscars, Lou Reed and David Bowie. It's fluff, mate. 

And most of your serious articles just rehash that whole 'political correctness gone mad' routine that gives Spectator readers a boner.

Anyway, I'll tell you what would give me a stiffy: a video of Brendan literally eating a computer. He's said this is literally how he feels, so I'll even come round and chainsaw it for him into bite size chunks. And I'll shoot my bolt when he opens his mouth and it has all bits of wire in it. 


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