Thursday, 12 June 2014

Dragons' Den

In a desperate attempt to make the Fringe 'UNBORING' (there's a tagline that must've cost millions), the VileArts presents the latest thinly disguised act of churnalism. We've got three dragons, and they are going to decide which of three shows gain their ROAR of approval.

First of all, let's introduce the dragons...

Fin Fang Foom is genuinely a legend in his own underpants. He's been getting the green kicked out of him by everyone from Hulk through to Captain America since the 1960s, and probably has one of those convoluted back stories where he turns out to be an alien, or a mutant, or an elemental force.

Stan Lee named him after a partially remembered racist musical of the 1930s, which probably explains his bad temper, and spent some time as a Buddhist and chef in a Chinese restaurant. When he isn't trying to conquer the world, his hobbies include fashion, breaking weaponry and fighting the Pet Avengers.

Fantastic Fact: FFF's name is the only search term that brings up no pornography, ever.

Our second Dragon is far more serious. It's Smaug off Harry Potter. Smaug lives in the toilets at Hogwarts,
and is most famous for his battle with Harry which was a pretty blunt metaphor for the challenges of puberty (Harry fighting a big snake with a big sword in a cave beneath the girls' bogs).

After being penetrated by Harry's sword, Smaug become a dedicated Scottish Nationalist, which led to his break from author JK Rowling. He recently attracted controversy by announcing that unless the local village offered him loads of sheep and a virgin once every three weeks, he would burn their houses. Fortunately, a deal with George Lucas means he retracted his threat in exchange for a bit part in the new Star Wars films.

Fantastic Fact: 'Smaug porn' on google leads to some interesting pictures of a dragon snuggling with a hobbit.

Savage Dragon started his career playing Jabba the Hut in Return of the Jedi, before becoming the UKip candidate in the recent European elections. As an American detective, he doesn't actually have a vote in the upcoming referendum, but that hasn't stopped him declaring his unwillingness to have an opinion. A recent low scoring mathematics test was inconclusive.

Savage Dragon is unique on the panel because he wears a full set of clothes, although his rippling pectorals and green hue make him a favourite in the annual swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated.

Fantastic Fact: Savage Dragon porn leads to a picture of the hero shaking hands with Obama.

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