Sunday, 22 June 2014

Clapton only manages a few lines of Cocaine

The world of AOR has been rocked by the behaviour of aesthetically compromised guitarist Eric Clapton, it has been revealed by The Scotsman. At his SECC Hydro gig, Clapton only managed a few lines of Cocaine, his cover version of the JJ Cale number about the drug that has been ruining music since 1973.

Although Clapton got through versions of his bloated classic, Layla and manipulative ballad Tears in Heaven, fans rushed to express their disappointment on Facebook and The Scotsman's bulletin board. 'In the old days,' said one fan, after adjusting his false teeth, 'Clapton couldn't be stopped once he started on Cocaine. It is said to see a fellow pensioner succumbing to age.'

Apparently, Clapton walked off stage for a bit, then came back on for another song. He then went off without saying good night.

'Seriously,' added another fan who lives in the West End of Glasgow. 'If he behaved like that at a dinner party, he wouldn't get invited back.'

This isn't the first time Clapton has courted controversy. According to Auslander, he was the front-man for MTV's attempt to re-establish itself as 'authentic' during the 1980s, following the Milli Vanilli scandals. When MTV made a fool of itself by praising the miming duo for their songwriting skills, they dug out Clapton to do an acoustic set. This revived his career and made MTV look like it believed in the ideal of rock'n'roll as a live medium, or something.

Clapton's former friends, however, are unsurprised at this latest turn. One, an old hippy known only as Relevance, said this is typical.

'Clapton used to love Cocaine, but I think he might feel different about it now. He walked out on me, and my pals Worth Listening To and Cool at the end of the 1960s.'

Perhaps the most shocking thing is the reaction of the audience. Not only are they willing to admit they went to an Eric Clapton concert in 2014, they were boasting about how much they spent.

'Man, some of them spent more on food in the venue than I get in a week from the JSA,' said Relevance. 'It's odd to see a Glasgow crowd so angry, since more serious issues, like the debate on Independence, have been conducted with so much respect and decorum.'

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