Still Waiting... 2 Critics 2 Cabaret 2

GKV: Well, that's a disappointing start. Still sound checking in the other space. This is where we get to fill in time with our witty banter. So, I have just arrived here after seeing some Belgian dance. What have you been up to today, Eric?

EK: Well, I went up to Stirling today, and saw Sonata for a Man and a Boy at the Macrobert. Lovely venue, and great performance. Where did you see Belgian dance?

GKV: Belgian dance is always at Tramway. It's the law. Anyway, let's not waste our reviews for those acts - we can get a proper review out of them, I reckon. Instead, let's talk about the background to what must make this event akin to the Great Old Firm matches of the 1960s: cabaret versus Gary Barlow. Which side are you supporting - the plucky yet glamorous outsiders, or the monstrous corporate voice of X-Factor?

EK: I'd have to go for the cabaret, mainly cause I have no idea who Gary Barlow is. Any tips?

GKV: That's why you are on the show. To allow me to show off my knowledge. The voice of youth, ladies and gentlemen. No sense of history.

Right, Gary Barlow was in this group... a boy band... it might have been East 17. Or was that the one with the singer who ate too many baked potatoes and ran over his own head? Take That? One of them. He's doing a gig soon, anyway.

He's on X-Factor. He's like Simon Cowell's special friend. Perhaps he is one of Ant and Dec. But he said that one of the acts on the show - probably after hearing their heart-rending story of ambition and ill relatives - was a "bit too cabaret." And this has pissed off the entire cabaret community.

You know, I have written about this on my blog. I thought you might have read it.

EK: I've read a lot of your posts, Vile. To the point that I have memorised some of them. However, that one must've escaped me, mainly because I do not endorse X-Factor in any way. I've only watched it once, and that was traumatic.

Just a question... how can a sound be a "bit too cabaret"? That doesn't even make sense as a sentence!

GKV: Anyway, there is this YouTube video, and it's a bit of a slap back at Barlow. I think he's like, Ken Barlow's son or something. One of the acts on tonight, the white faced masters of doom and love, The Creative Martyrs, are in the video. The thing is, cabaret is such a diverse genre, and the perceived insult is... yeah, well. The Creative Martyrs are one of the most deliciously dark duos who evoke the sinister lurking of Eastern Europe mimes employed by defunct regimes to keep an eye on the populace. It's pretty clear that Barlow wasn't saying that the act was a subtle mix of physical theatre and vaudeville sauciness.

Actually, we'd better not make any more jokes about Ken Barlow. He sued a newspaper for saying he was boring. I bet Ken Barlow's well cabaret. Who do you fancy seeing tonight, if they let us in? I am sure that they are just saying that it is not open yet to keep us out.

EK: I don't actually know. My knowledge of cabaret is very limited, so I'd say I want to see all of the acts appearing tonight!

GKV: The doors are open and the ceremony is about to begin...