2 Critics 2 Cabaret (3): The plan revealed.

GKV: Eric, I think you ought to go and have a stroll around the club. Now we are in the fancy bit...That's Paul Puppet bellowing through the microphone. Damn he looks smart.

EK: He sounds like those announcers for boxing. "In this corner we have..." He is indeed smart. Peculiar setup for this venue...

GKV: While Eric is just getting used to the space - there are several stage spaces, and Markee de Saw and Bert Finkle are off over by the far bar. Bert's tinkling the ivories as the Markee recites one of her strange monologues about exotic adventures... and there's the song, suddenly her voice shifts into light operatic mood. The context is all: her tales are surreal and the song so familiar becomes odd against her recollections of past lives.

Then the saw cuts in. Against Finkle's measured piano, the eerie tone of the saw is haunting and not comic. The Markee is back onto the monologue. That's the way their set works. The framework wanders around various songs, linking them through a picaresque monologue.

Now she is wandering round the room. Her voice is deeper, more intense. She's using her the entire room now.

While Eric is missing, I guess I'll reveal the secret plan for tonight. We are going to watch the acts and try to discover the essence of cabaret. Then Eric and I are going to take up singing, avoid this essence and win X-Factor.

So far, we have music, unamplified voices, surreal stories suggestive of past times. This ought to be easy. Hell, we are trained critics. We live for the easy definition.