The Homeless Critic is rating you

PRESS RELEASE: EMBARGO UNTIL AUGUST 12 PLEASE RUN AS NEWS

The meta-theatrical entity known as The Homeless Critic has revealed his revolutionary rating system for the 2015 Fringe.

Gareth K Vile, an immensely intelligent if somewhat repressed student commented: 'this system is a clear break from past attempts at qualitative assessment, since they not only work on a clear scale, but are reflective of the subjective nature of all artistic critique.'

On a park bench near Summerhall, the Homeless Critic rolled a cigarette and explained his radical new idea.

'Ever since that one decided to have a seven star scale, the Fringe has just been confusing. Inspired by the egotism of a local newspaper trying to make some point about the nature of criticism, I'm doing my own one.'

'What it does is simples. Each of the five comments reflects a point on the scale, but also responds to the way an event reflects my daily life experiences.'

The New Ratings

Like Having a Wash in the Public Toilets
This is obviously the one star rating: uncomfortable, poorly attended and smelling of piss, the performance is like trying to get that BO smell off my armpits in the bogs in Stockbridge.

Getting a coffee off a MacDonald's Loyalty Card
Well, better than nothing, but probably a bit dull and involves putting up with chat from people who want something off me. 

Being Taken to Dinner By a PR 
Yes, this is worth the time: it's work, but on balance, useful and worth it, plus the chat is usually a laugh.

Looking after the cats
This is more like it: someone has given me the keys to their house and I am going to be sorted for a bit. Still might be a bit of shit to clear up, but in the right direction.

Three Days on your Couch
The dream show, life changing, especially if I can have a shower in the morning.

When asked why none of the ratings mentioned the usual jokes about homelessness - smelling of piss, mental health problems or alcohol induced shouting, The Homeless Critic pointed out that shit isn't funny and just an expression of bourgeois prejudice.