Vile Radio is back...

"Good to have you on board, Daphne," grinned Vile, leaning back in chair and swigged from a bottle of wine. "How long has it been since we worked together?"

Daphne grimaced. "Long enough for me to forget what working with you is like. When was the last time you tidied up this house?"

"I've been busy. I just asked Calum MacAskill if he could make it onto the show this week to talk about his show at Arches Live! That was intense, because he dresses up as a Minotaur."

Vile nervously adjusted a pile of CDs on his desk. "It's not a house, it's an independent media node. All this - disorder - is my exact filing system. Anyway, who do have lined up for me as guests this week?"

Handing Vile a file of immaculately typed papers, Daphne sniggered. "Here. No excuse for no research this time. We are starting off with Gillian Gourlay. She's the Head of Outreach at the National Theatre of Scotland."

"Nice start - got any more from the national companies?"

"Ronan Busfield is coming in at the back of seven. He's one of the rising stars of Scottish Opera. Do you have that CD of La Traviata handy? He's touring in that this month."

Vile flicked lazily through the file. "I see that the Opera are doing a special offer - "

"Don't read it out in the preview. Try and give your audience a reason to listen in. Apart from the guests. because they surely don't tune in toy hear your opinions."

"Well, I have got plenty of them."

"Thanks to me, you've got plenty of guests. Niall Morris said he'd nip in and chat about Subcity and their big event at Le Chambre."

"I can't believe you've invited the boss of the station... he might listen to the show. When he hears it, I'll be off the air in a fortnight. Why did I ever employ you?"

"So that you could spend more time with your bitterness and sense of entitlement. Someone has to remember to remind you to turn the volume up... and text Fielding Hope and beg him to bring along some music."

"What's wrong with my choices?"

"Apart from the fact that your record collection stopped in 1998? You thought that the last Beastie Boys album was To The Five Boroughs. Anyway, Fielding is busy with Cry Parrot, and I think he is bringing SWANS back across."

"Thank you, Daphne. Ever since my Producer Harry got that record deal, I have been adrift, you know."

"We'd noticed. By the way, what exactly is my job on the show?"

"I think I ought to discuss that with you, and not the imaginary version I conjure up to help me write up these previews."