Pitch to BBC Scotland

Starring Jim Davidson

I have had an excellent idea for a sit-com. It's called Critical Mass and follows the adventures of a balding and involuntarily celibate writer. Think of Californication meets Seinfield.

The hero - let's call him Gareth - is an ageing critic. In his youth, he wanted to be Lester Bangs, but found himself writing about theatre after getting kicked off The Daily Mail for an incident involving a burlesque dancer and a heroic dose of LSD. After a series of failed relationships, he decides to go back to University to learn about the arts he reviews. Hilarity ensues as he tries to resolve the dynamic conflict between academic and journalistic life.

At the end of each episode, he does a little piece to camera, which reviews the previous episode as if it were a play. It can have a slap-bass soundtrack.

Episode One: The Laugh Riot of Spring (with apologies to Rob Drummond)

Gareth is working in the office, distracting his co-workers with anecdotes about the almost famous people he has interviewed. Later in the day, his University lecturer is coming to visit him about an overdue essay. However, Gareth is trying to complete an article for a magazine about The Rite of Spring. The deadline has passed.

The boss of his magazine emails to say that he is coming over to the office to check on Gareth's working schedule. Of course, neither the University nor the magazine knows about his dual life. Cue much hilarity as Gareth tries to prevent the two from meeting, while he makes up more extravagant excuses for his late work.

The story ends with the three of them watching a contemporary dance version of The Rite of Spring, with Gareth in the middle. Then it turns out to be a burlesque show, because Gareth got the tickets muddled up.

I think it would work if we could get Limmy to play the critic's best friend, and Keira Knightley to play the University lecturer.