The Homeless Critic Penny Arcade Blues

Hey Penny Arcade

Let me tell you, let me tell you... because I'll think you'll understand.

I'm sitting in the front row and I'm listening to you preach. And I know you are right, I know you're right.

Forgive me for being so rude, we haven't been introduced. I'm the Vile Arts, the homeless critic, known as the Ghost Derrida, Criticulous or when my hormones are high, Mad Cyril.

I'm sitting in the front row and I'm listening to you preach, and yeah. I know you are right.

But let me tell you, it's the homeless critic. It's voice I'm sure, a voice not ready to be silenced and I wonder what you think of critics. 

I mean, I wouldn't blame you, the quantifiers of aesthetic worth. They hold up passion to the light as if through a jeweller's eyepiece and pronounce.

Pronounce, not preach. And here's the expert opinion, a reading from the state of grace.

But I'm not like the other boys. I'm the homeless critic, I'm Mad Fucking Cyril and when I hear the objective truth, I pray to God to save me from delusion.

Because I'm not mean enough, not yet. People think that critics are mean, but a homeless critic is the meanest mother fucking you are going to meet. Set up a homeless man against a salary man, and see. One of them is fighting for survival, the other for comfort. 

Could be a homeless woman, could be a salary woman. We know some things go past gender now, don't we?

Some people have sex for pleasure, some people make love to reproduce. The homeless critic will seduce because it means night underneath a roof.

Who speaks with authority - you know. It's those outside.

Hey Penny Arcade, I want to hear you preach. I want you to say the thoughts I have, about the young adrift from history, the sinking of the human mind into the mire of advertising and the soft police state.

You said the 1960s were a police state. You said 2015 is 1984. You said you took acid for five years (hey, we both know that tolerance means you'd have felt nothing after a week of tripping unless you were on a tab to the power of 5 000 after about a year, but hell, the kids don't know). You speak truth and you speak it staring 
into their eyes.

I love you Penny Arcade, and I don't want to be safe either. But I'm homeless and I don't seem to have your address in my email, or your press release. 

Preach, Penny, preach.

I'd like to tell you because I think you'd understand.

Homeless Critic Gets Nastier

I think that I am not being ambitious enough with the homeless critic project. Since the majority of readers seem to think I'm joking, I might as well push the boat out.

Push the boat out? Cliché... who do I think I am, Matt Trueman? I'll be starting reviews with dictionary definitions next.

Edinburgh is not coming out of this project well so far: as I was saying to my designer – she's suggested a set that divides the venue into two, one side good guys, the other the baddies – people are Glasgow have been very quick to offer me a room. But apart from a pair of friends (both in the writing business), there has been a lack of offers from Edinburgh.

Let Robocritic explain.

The Vile Arts has done 300 previews on the dramaturgy database. That makes their output miles ahead of any other blogger: most newspapers would struggle for those numbers.

If ten per cent of those who have had a free preview said the homeless critic could have a night on the couch, that would have given him a complete Fringe.

The List does right by him, so he has not asked it for help. So does the BBC. The issue isn't simply financial – although that is a concern. The issue is whether the discourse about the importance of critics ever manifests into actually supporting their work.

Thank you, Robocritic. Ghost Derrida would like a word.

Take the word homeless. Without a context, it has no meaning. Let me begin by giving you a dictionary definition... only kidding. But let's have a look at the semiotic system that results in homelessness.

The Fringe causes a spike in housing rental prices during August. That is because lots and lots of theatre people come to town. Some of them go broke because of the costs, but they also impact on the rental market in the city.

If the homeless critic could afford it, he would rent a place. But he can't. This is your fault. I'm not talking about the obscure chain that also means you are responsible for the famine in Africa – although you did that, too. Your presence here has increased the rent.

If you weren't here, though, the homeless critic would be staying in Glasgow. So there is, at least, an irony.

Again, thanks to the post-mortem post-modernist. I am working my experiences into a show for 2016. Check in for further dramaturgical up-dates.

win win win

It's competition time with the homeless critic!

So, have a look at The Wedding Reception. Fancy some of that? Good: the homeless critic will sort you out for entry and food. The bad news is, you have to go with him. He'll be pretending it's a date, but don't worry about that - you're just getting to see a great show!

With food.

After a high level consultation with the whole Vile Arts' team - including suggestions from Robo-critic, Mad Cyril and Ghost Derrida, the following questions have been set as the competition. The Homeless Critic's suggestion, can I sleep on your couch? was disregarded as a bit creepy. 

Please note: you don't have to take the homeless critic home. Once the show is over, make your excuses and leave!

Put your answers in the comments box or send 'em to the vilearts@gmail.com

Question one
What is your name?

Question two
Why would you like to spend an evening with the homeless critic?

Question three
Have you got a show on the fringe?

Question four
Do you have any special dietary requirements?

Question five
Can I come and sleep on your couch?

Homeless Critic Song

Beats from Tricky's Pumpkin

I've been...
throwing down critiques for the past ten Fringes
I'm usually quite nice, not given to whinges.
But I am asking you a questioning
And are you gonna reply?
When a critic's got no roof,
Are you gonna ask why?

The posts are getting read
and opinion being passed
But I don't know where I'm staying
From first night to the last.
The reason I've been priced out 
Is that you come here
In this pretty Scottish City
At this time of year.

Now I thinking to myself - 
This goes out to the PRs,
When you ask me for a favour
Who do you think you are?
If you see me on the corner
And I'm begging for some change
Will you whisper in my ear
What reviews can I arrange?

I tell myself I know the score,
But what do you do for an encore?

Just because I have a laugh
And try to make things fun
Does it ever cross your mind that I
Might just be on the run
From the high class cost of living 
And the need to be in town
That the help that you're not giving
Is the lack that takes me down?

I tell myself I know the score,
But what do you do for an encore?

Why not appeal to my vanity?
Why not question my sanity?
You carp onn that the critics' always hating?
What's compassion worth in five star rating?
Imma gonna break it down for you
It's time that I get clear
I wouldn't be homeless if
You didn't want me here.
I'm in the Burgh to cover your show
But if I haven't got a bed, Imma gonna f-ing go

Back to Glasgow, which is showing you up...

I tell myself I know the score,
But what do you do for an encore?

Ghost Derrida, bring some truth...

Truth? Yeah, what a dated idea.
Boy, you're sleeping on the Meadows this year.
I like to deconstruct, even when I'm decomposing.
And here's the lyrical attack on what you're posing.

When you read the word homeless,
Do the letters disappear?
Are they erased by the context,
Are you merely deaf to hear
That this man is in a state
He really would star rate
Getting a couch to sleep on
Or going on a date

Where you buy him a coffee?
Is it so hard to see 
When he looks you in the eyes and asks
Please Help Me.
I tell myself I know the score,
But what do you do for an encore?
Ask a homeless man for a cigarette?
Waste a thousand pounds on an outside bet?
When you see me on George Square
And I'm asking for change
Will you whisper in my ear 
And ask what previews I'll arrange?

The Wedding Reception: Win with the Vile Arts!

EXCLUSIVE PRESS RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION... WIN A DATE WITH THE FINEST MIND IN CONTEMPORARY CRITIQUE

The Vile Arts announces that it has secured an exclusive competition:

WIN A DATE WITH THE HOMELESS CRITIC

Having been invited to review a new immersive comedy by the producers of Faulty Towers The Dining Experience, Gareth K Vile needs a date. 

And so readers of this blog can win a very special night out.

Further details to follow, but have a look at the production.

You may be getting the worst companion, but the show'll make up for it.

          
Interactive Theatre International presents:
THE WEDDING RECEPTION

They may share the names of the world’s most famous couple, but this Will & Kate are far from royal! 

Their dream was for a small intimate wedding, but with everyone else planning exactly the opposite, the couple eloped. Now it’s the date of their original wedding day and they’re back for the big reception – the one that neither of them wanted in the first place. What could possibly go wrong??!! Join the party. It’s a roller-coaster journey full of fun, frolics and more than a few surprises.

- ‘A rare theatrical treat. Five stars!’ (The New Current, Brighton Fringe 2015)
- ‘Highly recommended… a fantastic performance’ (FringeReview, Brighton Fringe 2015)

The Wedding Reception is a new show by Interactive Theatre International (ITI), producers of the globetrotting mega-hit that is Faulty Towers The Dining Experience. It’s a 2-hour piece of immersive, interactive and highly improvised comedy theatre that also includes a 3-course meal and four award-winning performers in multiple roles. It had its world première at Brighton Fringe 2015 and won 5* reviews across the board. Now, in addition to Edinburgh Fringe, it’s booked for dates in London’s West End and

around the UK plus Fringe World Perth and Adelaide Fringe in 2016.

- ‘Hilarious’ (BN1 Magazine, Brighton Fringe 2015)
- ‘The audience has a great time’ (The Sussex Newspaper, Brighton Fringe 2015)

YOUR WEDDING RECEPTION DETAILS

Venue: B’est Restaurant, 16 Drummond Street, Edinburgh EH8 9TX - v243
Dates: 11-23 August 2015
Times: 
- daily (ex Mondays): doors at 4:30pm for 5pm start.

- plus four matinees 15, 16, 21, 23 Aug: doors at 11:30am for 12noon start.
Tickets: £39pp – all tickets include a three-course meal (cake for dessert; special diets catered).
Bookings & show info:  | 0845 154 4154 | info@interactivetheatre.com.au 
PG (occasional strong language and sexual innuendo


The Wedding Show is a new show devised and produced by Interactive Theatre International. Its original format and storyline have been developed by Alison Pollard-Mansergh, ITI Artistic Director, together with two of the show’s performers: David Tremaine and Rebecca Norris.

PERFORMANCE PROCESS FOILED BY TIMELY INTERVENTION

PRESS RELEASE... IMMEDIATE ATTENTION... 

THE HOMELESS CRITIC FINDS FIRST GOOD PERSON

Dateline 11 August 2015

On his birthday, The Homeless Critic has been taken in for a few days with another critic. Speaking from a palatial room by the sea-side, The Homeless Critic expressed his gratitude.

'It's funny, because the critic in question actually knows me, which means he had a good reason to ignore my plaintive cries for help. Yet here I am, having a delicious coffee - not instant - and chatting about statistical analysis and blogging strategies with the sound of waves gently lapping against the shore.'

'I am going to be very happy for a few days.'

However, this does not mean the Homeless Critic's quest for a roof over his head is complete. He is still seeking accommodation for the rest of the Fringe, recognising that his bland charm and loud voice makes him a better short than long term guest.

The Vile Arts is due to announce a series of rewards for people who help the Homeless Critic out.

'It'll include somefin abaht gettin im lunch and avin a bit on the blog. Mebbe a radio chat on his podcast, e'll do flyerin if you ask im nice,' said Mad Cyril, a frequent Vile collaborator. 'If you want some, I'm the man to give you some.'