Glasgow: 21 April, 1600 hours
Today, a white male critic became the first recipient of the
Milkshake Award for mentioning Green
Lantern/Green Arrow as an example of ‘comic books’ commitment to
diversity’.
The award, set up in tribute to Governor Raunier’sground-breaking efforts in combining popular beverages with simplistic attempts
to bridge the divide between political cock-wombles and basic human decency
will be awarded to similar desperate attempts to virtue signal without making
any meaningful change.
The recipient, an obscure theatre critic who keeps banging
on about how comic books are actually performance, said he was honoured to
accept the award, which consists of a pint glassed filed with a mixture of soy,
cow and goat milk, with the triple-whammy syrup combination of chocolate,
banana and strawberry flavours.
The comic book, which features an elderly black man tellingoff the cosmic superhero Green Lantern for caring more about ‘the green people,the blue people’ than the African-American ‘black people’, has been a favourite
reference point for comic book academics who want to point to the moment when
the medium began to recognise how it presented a limited range of identities in
its publications.
The writer of the comic, Denny O’Neill, said that he was
glad that the moment has become so iconic. ‘Hopefully it means that people will
forget about that time I ruined Wonder Woman and had an Asian stereotype
teaching her Kungfu. I have made repeated public apologies for that.’
The white male critic, Gareth K Vile, admitted that the
award came as a surprise. ‘Have I told you about the way that Stan Lee and Jack
Kirby subverted racial stereotypes in the first appearance of Black Panther in The Fantastic Four?’ he asked. ‘Or how The Champions is the natural extension
of Marvel’s social justice agenda?’
Other characters from the universes of both Marvel and DC
lined up to the salute the critic. Captain America saluted and told the assembled
reporters that his best friend was an African American, actually. He then ran
away when a Japanese journalism asked him about his activities during World War
II. ‘I suppose he did punch Hitler,’ added Wonder Woman.
Comic books have long had difficulties with identity
politics. In
‘People often point to Alan Moore’s Watchmen as the moment when ‘comics grew up’ and addressed real
social issues,’ continued Vile. ‘But it is funny how we see comics growing up
as the attempt to describe the anguish of a bunch of white men while Moore
failed to include any major characters that were not embodiments of masculine
virtues.’
He then went quiet for a bit.
The award was given to Vile round the back of The Glasgow
Art School, a venue which totally doesn't virtue signal its commitment to equality and bottles it when actually confronted. He pronounced the milkshake both delicious and a ‘blow against the
alt-right, with their single-flavoured juices.’ A protest, supported by fans of
Rangers FC, was staged at Ibrox in which half a dozen men drunk orange juice
and sung the National Anthem.
A red-faced man who hasn’t been inside a church for fifty
years claimed that the Milkshake Award is an affront to God and nature. ‘At
least a man won it. And fuck the pope,’ he added.
The award also came under attack from one of those shouting
guys with a beard on YouTube. ‘Actually, this is male oppression that is
supported by the state,’ bellowed Sargoon of Akkad. ‘It attempts to ridicule
the way that men get a Man Badge for behaving like a human being. Vile is a
cuck, a libtard and a social justice warrior who ruins everything. I like Pepe
the Frog. See? See? Are you feeling offended? I am a shitlord and you can’t
handle it. I saw Batman’s butt. Imagine if a woman won the award, eh? Eh? They
win all the awards and the pay gap isn’t an expression of the fundamental
patriarchal bias of capitalism. I’ve never read a comic book, but Wonder Woman is rubbish.’ Sargoon then
retired to his cave to polish his collection of ceremonial weapons.
The award, however, will continue to be given to worthy
candidates until patriarchy is dissolved and people realise that Wild Bore is a watershed moment of
dramaturgical innovation. Round the back of the Art School, both the inaugural
winner and the committee toasted the internet fuss with another sup from the
big pint of Diversity Milkshake.
‘But can I get a shot of coffee in that?’ Vile laughed to
reporters. ‘No, seriously. I am a writer. I have got caffeine withdrawal.’ When
asked about how he liked his coffee, Vile replied ‘I like my coffee like I like
my women: a constant challenge to my male privilege.’
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