Saturday, 2 June 2018


Glasgow: 21 April, 1600 hours

Today, a white male critic became the first recipient of the Milkshake Award for mentioning Green Lantern/Green Arrow as an example of ‘comic books’ commitment to diversity’.

The award, set up in tribute to Governor Raunier’sground-breaking efforts in combining popular beverages with simplistic attempts to bridge the divide between political cock-wombles and basic human decency will be awarded to similar desperate attempts to virtue signal without making any meaningful change.

The recipient, an obscure theatre critic who keeps banging on about how comic books are actually performance, said he was honoured to accept the award, which consists of a pint glassed filed with a mixture of soy, cow and goat milk, with the triple-whammy syrup combination of chocolate, banana and strawberry flavours.

The comic book, which features an elderly black man tellingoff the cosmic superhero Green Lantern for caring more about ‘the green people,the blue people’ than the African-American ‘black people’, has been a favourite reference point for comic book academics who want to point to the moment when the medium began to recognise how it presented a limited range of identities in its publications.

The writer of the comic, Denny O’Neill, said that he was glad that the moment has become so iconic. ‘Hopefully it means that people will forget about that time I ruined Wonder Woman and had an Asian stereotype teaching her Kungfu. I have made repeated public apologies for that.’

The white male critic, Gareth K Vile, admitted that the award came as a surprise. ‘Have I told you about the way that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby subverted racial stereotypes in the first appearance of Black Panther in The Fantastic Four?’ he asked. ‘Or how The Champions is the natural extension of Marvel’s social justice agenda?’

Other characters from the universes of both Marvel and DC lined up to the salute the critic. Captain America saluted and told the assembled reporters that his best friend was an African American, actually. He then ran away when a Japanese journalism asked him about his activities during World War II. ‘I suppose he did punch Hitler,’ added Wonder Woman.

Comic books have long had difficulties with identity politics. In
their so-called Golden Age, the war against the Axis Powers led to some offensive racism and the 1990s took the objectification of women to still-unsurpassed levels. In this context, Green Arrow/Green Lantern is a beacon for those scholars who haven’t read that much and are desperate to prove that it isn’t all about adolescent power fantasies.

‘People often point to Alan Moore’s Watchmen as the moment when ‘comics grew up’ and addressed real social issues,’ continued Vile. ‘But it is funny how we see comics growing up as the attempt to describe the anguish of a bunch of white men while Moore failed to include any major characters that were not embodiments of masculine virtues.’

He then went quiet for a bit.

The award was given to Vile round the back of The Glasgow Art School, a venue which totally doesn't virtue signal its commitment to equality and bottles it when actually confronted. He pronounced the milkshake both delicious and a ‘blow against the alt-right, with their single-flavoured juices.’ A protest, supported by fans of Rangers FC, was staged at Ibrox in which half a dozen men drunk orange juice and sung the National Anthem.

A red-faced man who hasn’t been inside a church for fifty years claimed that the Milkshake Award is an affront to God and nature. ‘At least a man won it. And fuck the pope,’ he added.

The award also came under attack from one of those shouting guys with a beard on YouTube. ‘Actually, this is male oppression that is supported by the state,’ bellowed Sargoon of Akkad. ‘It attempts to ridicule the way that men get a Man Badge for behaving like a human being. Vile is a cuck, a libtard and a social justice warrior who ruins everything. I like Pepe the Frog. See? See? Are you feeling offended? I am a shitlord and you can’t handle it. I saw Batman’s butt. Imagine if a woman won the award, eh? Eh? They win all the awards and the pay gap isn’t an expression of the fundamental patriarchal bias of capitalism. I’ve never read a comic book, but Wonder Woman is rubbish.’ Sargoon then retired to his cave to polish his collection of ceremonial weapons.

The award, however, will continue to be given to worthy candidates until patriarchy is dissolved and people realise that Wild Bore is a watershed moment of dramaturgical innovation. Round the back of the Art School, both the inaugural winner and the committee toasted the internet fuss with another sup from the big pint of Diversity Milkshake.

‘But can I get a shot of coffee in that?’ Vile laughed to reporters. ‘No, seriously. I am a writer. I have got caffeine withdrawal.’ When asked about how he liked his coffee, Vile replied ‘I like my coffee like I like my women: a constant challenge to my male privilege.’

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