Monday, 8 August 2016

Why I Won't Be Reviewing on Twitter

The main reason is that I am embarrassingly immature.

I don't use twitter to express myself, I use it to give vent to my moronic impulses. If I start using it for reviews, it is going to be about fifteen minutes before I spend all day thinking up ways to insult people by changing a word in the title of their show into a swearword. 

If you really want a world where King Smear or Mouse: The Persistance of a Wanker count as critique, go ahead.

I use twitter to beg for chocolate biscuits, promote my ego and ask my co-workers for help. While I'm on the topic: Annie, I've soiled my desk again.

More trenchantly, when I go and see a play, I try to remember that real humans spent time on creating it. I might not be impressed, but I'll do you the honour of giving it a proper kicking, in detail. A tweet is not really taking art seriously, is it?

In good conscience, I can't reduce my opinions to 140 characters. When I'm not being asked to go and work in another room or turning up in press offices to show off, I'm moaning about how public discussion is being reduced to sound bites. I'm not adding to that. 

Besides, I want people to come to my blog, or The List, and read my idiocy. It's not so much that I have a unique vision, more that I like watching the hits go up on the little graph. I mean, it's very gratifying to know that I have poked enough at a fellow critic to get him to patronise me, but it's not the same as hitting a thousand views before I've woken up.

Seriously, that is an erotic thrill. 

Actually, I had better go and check that I haven't done reviews on twitter in the past. That's be like me: last week, I thought it was revolutionary. Someone else does it, I'm like, that's so lame. Annie, will you change my password so I'm off i until September?

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