The First Lamentations of Criticulous

And in the twentieth minute after his arrival, Zarathustra did say unto Criticulous:

'Wilst thou give it a rest, for you are most grievously doing in my head.'

Unashamed, Criticulous replied that he was disappointed in this supposed prophet's lack of imagine and lo! He did find himself tumbling out of the cave and down the side of the hill towards the Street of the Willow Trees. He shook the dust from his vintage, white polyester jacket and espied five women in the shortest of skirts.

Addressing the one with the highest of heels, Criticulous assessed his chances. 'I see by the dramaturgical choices that you have made in the matter of costume that you seek a mate this evening. I am Criticulous, scourge of performance artists, and I seek a disciple to join me. I have a plus one for the latest show at The Citizens' Theatre.'

And she retorted most uncouthly, that he should disport himself to Fuck. And lo! A man dressed in a banana costume appeared and requested whether he was giving her trouble love, and whether he had a penchant for receiving a doing.

Criticulous sat upon the curb and waxed wroth.

'Woe unto you Glasgow! For your people do not understand that they are merely players, and that the word of Goffman has revealed unto them that all social behaviour is innately theatrical!'

'Woe unto the Live Artists! For they are in sore need of a dramaturg, and yet they seeketh him not!'

'Woe unto the academics! For they reject the idea of quality and instead focus their attention to the content and form, forgetting that an audience has to sit through this shit, sometimes.'

'Woe unto the critics! For they see not the depth and praise the surface, distracted by its shining!'

'And woe unto the dramaturg! For they shall not get any employment lest there is a comprehensive re-evaluation of the nature of theatre!'

And two mighty men in blue did come and lift Criticulous by his arms and tell him he was nicked for being like unto a jake. The court fell mightily in wrath upon him, although he defended his opinions by observing that they were not necessarily those of the Vile Arts and were, indeed, a provocation and an experiment in form.