Thursday, 2 June 2011

War On Art "Will Be Over By Christmas" Promise Shady Cabal

A highly sinister group of celebrities, who cannot be named due to super-injunctions, have declared that their "war on art" is entering its final stages.

The cabal, who influence policy by making contributions to political parties and writing open letters to newspapers and the government, have been instrumental in the ongoing battle against people leaving their homes and watching live performance since the invention of television.

"Like all wars, this one has been good for the economy and has propelled technological innovation," announced a figure wearing a football shirt. "When we began our campaign, we relied on poor transport infrastructures and some black and white films of a potter's wheel. Now we have the internet, cable pumping out shit on an infinite number of channels and a systematic attack on arts funding. We are almost sorry to announce our victory."

The cabal went on to admit that pockets of resistance were a necessary consequence of the triumph. "By leaving isolated groups of cabaret, theatre and music performers at large, we are able to cream them off to create the next generation of light entertainment minor irritants."

Although it was controversial at the time, amongst the five or six people who noticed it, the War Against Art is regarded as a necessity across the political spectrum. Live Performance is seen to encourage groups of people to assemble in public places and either enjoy themselves and thereby create a community outside of easy consumer control, or engage in a contemplative manner with serious issues.

There have been serious setbacks over the years. In the late 1980s, Rave Culture inspired a generation to take drugs and dance about in fields, while making vague gestures towards a culture of equality and creativity. Luckily, the ill-formed laws against repetitive beats combined with a campaign to glamorise binge drinking to dissolve this fragile community into competing groups of serious electronica fans and pissed up clubbers.

However, the Government, which somehow has the same policies whoever gets voted in, demonstrated a rare example of joined up thinking by expanding the public subsidy for arts in a time of prosperity. Not only did this distract many artists from making political work, it encouraged grant junkies and administrative staff to out-number the actual artists within the arts. When the funding started to be cut, many artists were no longer able to imagine ways of funding their projects, and joined Facebook groups instead of considering Performative ways of protesting.

"It's been a difficult half century," admitted one source. "But now we can all get back to watching TV and buying crap off the internet."

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