More Critics Getting Tired...

GKV: Paul Puppet is talking about the Gary Barlow controversy. Apparently, PP has been flaming Barlow's gig listings by posting up "Not Cabaret Enough" next to them.

Meanwhile, next act. Dee Christopher. He's just got the crowd to cluster around him and says he does "some unusual stuff". There's a wee bit of a row going on next to the Vile Arts blog post. But Dee has just found five volunteers to help him with his first trick. They are grabbing crystals from a black bag.

EK: A row? Anyhow, this is getting interesting... he's trying to predict the colour of the crystals? Or rather, he's acting as a lie detector. Maybe they should take him in instead of a polygraph?

GKV: I have seen this trick before: Rob Drummond did it in his Bullet Catch performance. He is trying to detect who is lying by the tone of their voice. There's one black stone, five fists hiding stones... he found it. Easy...

EK: Isn't it basically a rule of probability? One stone in five? Either way, he's telling us a story now, about a psychic from the 70s.

GKV: Uri Gellar! He was part of my childhood. You ought to go and have a closer look... yes, got rid of him.

So, leaving Eric to ponder how the magic works, I'll ponder how this fits into cabaret. Eric's right - there is something old school about this act. He's recalling the sort of acts that used to turn up on TV in the late 1970s. Uri Gellar was taken seriously, for about five minutes, but magic, close up magic, was a staple.

Stupid really. I mean, magic on TV is like ventriloquism on the radio. Far too easy to fix... but here we have the magic being done right in front of us.

Oh Jesus is on the stage. This ought to be good. What the hell? I leave him alone for two minutes and Dee is saying that Eric is about to star in a horror movie. Now Dee is making jokes about being drunk. It's not smart to get a critic on stage when you are pissed up... I feel as if I am about to see a car crash. In slow motion.

Eric is going to take over for a bit...

EK: Yeah, that was interesting. I got to 'star in a horror movie'. Actually, I got nervous when he said "we're going to kill you tonight". I thought he meant he planned to fix some disappearing trick or something. But no, it was just an act. I pulled out a card to determine who was to kill me, then a few pieces of paper later we had a murder weapon and location. In the end, I was killed by Freddy Kruger, at the library, with a knife. Then, I pulled down a closed envelope with a script that had all these elements. Magic? I guess so. I'm too much of a critic to believe in magic.

Now the Creative Martyrs are teaching us about love... I'll be right back.

2 Critics 2 Mental (5 at the Flying Duck)

EK: Mystique is reading minds, and she has bottles, and duct tape. This is worrying...

GKV: She is predicting which drink he has chosen..


EK: And now she is to be blindfolded, with duct tape, in order to 'see' what people are drawing on some blank pieces of paper she gave out earlier. Look out eyebrows?

GKV: How does this fit in with cabaret... Mystique is another example of a classic act, the mentalist, guessing what people have drawn while she is blindfolded. I am a bit worried about her on that stage with duct tape over her eyes and all that band kit around her... She is wearing a corset - is that cabaret? Or is it the resurrection of old popular acts... she's getting the answers right, though... is it about skills that don't fit anywhere else... variety... but you can't just say that cabaret is variety...

EK: Isn't that the circus element, though? Cabaret isn't about just performing a song or a burlesque dancer... Like you said, it's diverse. And sure, now that the mentalist is done, you can go off for a smoke till they set up for Dee Christopher.

2 Critics 2 Late and Getting Nasty (4 at the Flying Duck)

GKV: I bet there is some burlesque on in the room. I can see shadows against the wall that look like fans flying through the air and there's a loud rock'n'roll track playing. Hang on, I think I just caught a wee bit of black feather by the bar. Eric's nowhere to be seen, of course. The room seems to be very attentive. Except for me. I am stuck by the computer. I'll have some questions for Eric when he gets back.

GKV: Where have you been, my darling young son? And what did you see there, my blue-eyed one?

EK: Well, I saw Bert Finkle & the Markee De Saw perform their set. One of the songs was taken from the Lambada, did you know that? Also, the Markee had quite a range - she seemed to slip easily from operatic notes to cabaret-style melody, as well as her spoken-word narration.

They were swiftly followed by Kim Khaos, who performed a very venue-appropriate burlesque dance. Using a mix of Alfred Hitchcock's voice and quacking sounds, she flapped about some feathery fans and removed clothing. Back to burlesque it is. But now, the Great Aziz is performing magic, isn't he?

GKV: I see you are trying to get in on the Vile style alliteration there... feathery fans flapping... Aziz produces birds from his handkerchief and makes them disappear... he is silent and has classical musical playing... close up magic is better from a distance, and Aziz is relaxed and confident. He's been impressing on the scene for a while, and his finesse is elegant and gentle. It's nice to see a performer not needing to shout his talent or turn magic into violent and frightening sessions. He keeps pulling the birds, though. He's got a cage-full and... he just made the cage disappear.

Of course, for Mr Criticulous, Aziz harks back to the vaudeville tradition - it's almost a homage to the old school variety. So is that cabaret? The recreation of past acts? A connection to tradition and all ages fun?

Hang on, Eric's back and now Paul Puppet is taking the piss out of us from the stage. But Eric said this: "cabaret-style melody". Now he going to explain what that means, since he must have the secret of cabaret...

EK: What I meant was that her singing was neither operatic nor pop. I don't really know what cabaret is, but I know it's not opera. It's dark, mysterious, dangerous even... maybe even forbidden, like the Lambada and the tango? 

Vile, get up off the floor... ph, you're looking for an SD slot for the camera? We can check in a minute.

GKV: The Lambada?

2 Critics 2 Cabaret (3): The plan revealed.

GKV: Eric, I think you ought to go and have a stroll around the club. Now we are in the fancy bit...That's Paul Puppet bellowing through the microphone. Damn he looks smart.

EK: He sounds like those announcers for boxing. "In this corner we have..." He is indeed smart. Peculiar setup for this venue...

GKV: While Eric is just getting used to the space - there are several stage spaces, and Markee de Saw and Bert Finkle are off over by the far bar. Bert's tinkling the ivories as the Markee recites one of her strange monologues about exotic adventures... and there's the song, suddenly her voice shifts into light operatic mood. The context is all: her tales are surreal and the song so familiar becomes odd against her recollections of past lives.

Then the saw cuts in. Against Finkle's measured piano, the eerie tone of the saw is haunting and not comic. The Markee is back onto the monologue. That's the way their set works. The framework wanders around various songs, linking them through a picaresque monologue.

Now she is wandering round the room. Her voice is deeper, more intense. She's using her the entire room now.

While Eric is missing, I guess I'll reveal the secret plan for tonight. We are going to watch the acts and try to discover the essence of cabaret. Then Eric and I are going to take up singing, avoid this essence and win X-Factor.

So far, we have music, unamplified voices, surreal stories suggestive of past times. This ought to be easy. Hell, we are trained critics. We live for the easy definition.

Still Waiting... 2 Critics 2 Cabaret 2

GKV: Well, that's a disappointing start. Still sound checking in the other space. This is where we get to fill in time with our witty banter. So, I have just arrived here after seeing some Belgian dance. What have you been up to today, Eric?

EK: Well, I went up to Stirling today, and saw Sonata for a Man and a Boy at the Macrobert. Lovely venue, and great performance. Where did you see Belgian dance?

GKV: Belgian dance is always at Tramway. It's the law. Anyway, let's not waste our reviews for those acts - we can get a proper review out of them, I reckon. Instead, let's talk about the background to what must make this event akin to the Great Old Firm matches of the 1960s: cabaret versus Gary Barlow. Which side are you supporting - the plucky yet glamorous outsiders, or the monstrous corporate voice of X-Factor?

EK: I'd have to go for the cabaret, mainly cause I have no idea who Gary Barlow is. Any tips?

GKV: That's why you are on the show. To allow me to show off my knowledge. The voice of youth, ladies and gentlemen. No sense of history.

Right, Gary Barlow was in this group... a boy band... it might have been East 17. Or was that the one with the singer who ate too many baked potatoes and ran over his own head? Take That? One of them. He's doing a gig soon, anyway.

He's on X-Factor. He's like Simon Cowell's special friend. Perhaps he is one of Ant and Dec. But he said that one of the acts on the show - probably after hearing their heart-rending story of ambition and ill relatives - was a "bit too cabaret." And this has pissed off the entire cabaret community.

You know, I have written about this on my blog. I thought you might have read it.

EK: I've read a lot of your posts, Vile. To the point that I have memorised some of them. However, that one must've escaped me, mainly because I do not endorse X-Factor in any way. I've only watched it once, and that was traumatic.

Just a question... how can a sound be a "bit too cabaret"? That doesn't even make sense as a sentence!

GKV: Anyway, there is this YouTube video, and it's a bit of a slap back at Barlow. I think he's like, Ken Barlow's son or something. One of the acts on tonight, the white faced masters of doom and love, The Creative Martyrs, are in the video. The thing is, cabaret is such a diverse genre, and the perceived insult is... yeah, well. The Creative Martyrs are one of the most deliciously dark duos who evoke the sinister lurking of Eastern Europe mimes employed by defunct regimes to keep an eye on the populace. It's pretty clear that Barlow wasn't saying that the act was a subtle mix of physical theatre and vaudeville sauciness.

Actually, we'd better not make any more jokes about Ken Barlow. He sued a newspaper for saying he was boring. I bet Ken Barlow's well cabaret. Who do you fancy seeing tonight, if they let us in? I am sure that they are just saying that it is not open yet to keep us out.

EK: I don't actually know. My knowledge of cabaret is very limited, so I'd say I want to see all of the acts appearing tonight!

GKV: The doors are open and the ceremony is about to begin...

Live From The Flying Duck: The 2 Critics get 2 Cabaret

And welcome another live review from The Mighty Vile Arts. We've got the host Gareth K Vile and his faithful sidekick Eric on the keyboard, and we'd like to give a big thank you to the Flying Duck. They lent us this really smart computer, so I guess they are our first media partners.

GKV: You know, Eric, I think the Flying Duck is somewhere The Vile Arts can feel at home. They have a wide variety of vegan food choices, and they put on interesting events. Like tonight, we've got the launch of the Scunnner album as part of a variety bill... In five minutes we'll be heading into the club, but before we go - how are you enjoying the Duck's ambiance?

EK: Well, it's loud, as a bar should be, with music that seems to range from hip hop to rock. But I'm not sure about those lights though... neon blue? Not sure... But it's too early to make a judgement - it's my first time here!

GKV: Glad to see you are admitting you are a Ducking Virgin tonight, Eric. Those lights remind me of my bedroom when I was a youngster like you. (Eric, they've let us use this cool computer. Be nice!)

EK: The computer is very nice, and shiny... but how is that relevant to the performance we are going to see? Not that we're impartial - we are critics after all - but we can sort of distance ourselves from the audience.

GKV: Let us use the laptop is a good example of how lovely this place is. Plus the bar staff are very attractive... Anyway, we are here tonight to see whether Scunner have made good on their promise to make their new album just the right amount of cabaret. They've brought the classic Spangled vibe over from their usual haunt at the Rio Cafe - the amazing Creative Martyrs are on the bill, a magician, and even some burlesque, I think. In fact, I believe you've seen Wild Card Kitty before, Eric.

EK: It always comes back to the burlesque, doesn't it? Wild Card Kitty... sounds familiar, but I am getting old -

GKV: One old fart on the team is enough, and that's my job: to be the conservative voice and know stuff. Anyway, drink up that lovely and cheap coffee and let's get this uploaded...

Barlow is Scunnered

Fun as it is to mock former boy band celebrity judges, I thought I could follow up yesterday's post with a more thoughtful evaluation of the "too cabaret" debate. The story so far: Gary Barlow disses a performer on X-Factor by suggesting their act is "too cabaret". Frisky and Mannish spearhead a campaign to challenge Barlow's dismissal of their medium, a video appears on YouTube and pictures pop up all over the net of various performers brandishing a "too cabaret?" logo.

The best bits so far: Frisky and Mannish write a parody number, mocking Barlow's opinion and the insipid music he makes, simultaneously undermining his authority to critique and demonstrating their own musical brilliance. Bert Finkle writes a passionate blog on how cabaret has the potential to move, contrasting it favourably against both Barlow's oeuvre and the musical theatre shenanigans of most X-Factor acts.

The most predictable part so far: I claim that Barlow's comments are actually a symptom of how criticism has been replaced by opinion. I have a vague memory that, back in the day, TV talent shows would have either practising artists (that is, not artists coasting on their back catalogue) or actual critics in the role of judges. Admittedly, the artists in question would probably be ones who had just come off the set of Celebrity Squares and the critics were not Kenneth Tynan or Mary Brennan. I just think it would be more fun if they had me as a judge, desperately trying to be kind tocod-operatic hopefuls while enthusing about the sudden appearance of a Live Artist smearing themselves in shit.

I'm also refusing to do any research on what Barlow actually said. Mannish hints that he was implying that cabaret belonged on cruise ships, and I am assuming that he wasn't complaining that it was a slyly subversive take on gender politics. I spent some time trying to work out the differences between burlesque, vaudeville and cabaret - and variety - so I am sure that Barlow is familiar with the current debate.

Yeah, I'm not being thoughtful, am I? I am just mocking Gary Barlow.

Anyway, I did think I'd do some research. Tonight, I am going to The Flying Duck. Scunner are launching their new album, and their main man, Paul Puppet is always a gentlemanly advocate of the cabaret aesthetic. Much as I enjoy having him chat on the Radio Hour, I hate seeing him  around the place - he is so well dressed, I feel shamed.

Fortunately, I'll have Eric on joint writing duties again. He'll be wearing a suit, and we are going  to blog live from the evening. There's a few acts there who might well be "too cabaret" and I am hoping that things will kick off. A march on the nearby cinema? The promised cabariot? A few good tunes from Bert Finkle and some astounding tricks from Aziz?

Well, the last two are certain. I'll see whether I can agitate for more. A live critic, reviewing as the acts happen, ought to be incendiary enough to get the entire performance community riled up nicely...

Here's the line up, apart from head-liners Scunner...

Dee Christopher-Paranormal magic
Markee De Saw & Bert Finkle-They met in a dream
The Creative Martyrs-Sinister winking since 1870
The Great Aziz-Illusion & Victorian magic
Mystique-A proper mentalist
Wild Card Kitty-this kitten has claws!
Kim Khaos-The bird is the word