Mad Cyril gets called in the office.

"Ah, Mr Cyril. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate you are a busy man, but we felt that it might be worth your time if we could clarify some of your turns of phrase in your latest review."

"So whatcha lookin fer, sunshine?"

"Well, of course, we aren't trying to censor your work, but some of your expressions might not be appropriate in this particular context."

"Ya talkin baht my wun on Dracla?"

"Exactly, yes. If we could just have a look at this description of the final pas de deux."

Dracla mincin abaht like a nonce...

"Obviously, you are describing the quality of his movement when he dances in joy at what he believes to be the return of Mina, the woman he loves."

"Ee's pleased awright, but there's no need fer all that scamperin ee does."

"You feel that, choreographically, the interpretation of Dracula fails to express masculinity?"

"Too right, guvner. We've seen im havin it with four bad boys in the previous scene, and creepin abaht all shoulders unched up as ee gives that slutty number the bite: wun time he climbs right awt the winda and hugs the erth, kinda like ee's connected to it and that, nice spot of contemporary action, all twisted and evil, like. 

But as soon as he starts up on the bally, it's like ee's a bit light in the loafers."

"You see, it is this language that could be read as homophobic."

"Yeh, right. Urling abuse at a man for is sexuality is wun fing, but Ah'm talkin baht a fictional character oos physical vocabulary is inconsistent.Ya sayin that ain't kosha, son?"

"I think the language is offensive, yes."

"But it gets tha point across, right?"

"So, Mr Cyril, what you are saying is: if a fictional critical persona expresses an opinion about a fictional character in a performance, it is acceptable to use language that, if said by a real person to another real personal would be beyond social acceptability."

"Homofobic abuse is well out of order, if it's real people. Ah'm not sayin the geeza who danced Dracla was good wiv is interior design. Ee probably gets loads of blart, with that body. Ee'd probably turn me afta a coupla pints."

"I don't think you are taking the impact of words seriously enough, Mr Cyril."

"Oy, oy, really? Wanna get sucked inta Cyril's past, do ya? There are fings wot you don't wanna know."

"Your fictional biography gives us a clue to why you find using abusive language appropriate for criticism?"

"When I woz a boy, Ah wanted ta be a dancah, like that Neuryeff. Fought ee would ave to bash em off wiv a shitty stick. Only my movver made me wear tights to class, and the ova lads caught sight of me old down-belows. Ah ad a lot ta prove. Thas why Ah have a rep for frowing dustbins frew glass windas, sunbeam."

"Are you arguing that your experience permits offensive language."

"Nah, I arguing that Mark Bruce's choreography is inconsistent and fails to realise dance's potential for expressing the character of a vampire, innit."

"But the association of ballet with male homosexuality..."

"Is somefin Ahve lived frew, mate. Iss a mif, anyway. Barry Shikov was a it wiv tha ladies - ee got ta pump that bird off Sex in the City."

"Sex and the City, and that was fictional too."

"Ya wanna read abaht my boy Barry before ya challenge me, chuckles. Maffew Bourne's swans off Swan Lake  were pretty bad-ass, and they were all about the man-love. So omosexuality isn't the same as effeminancy, an there's plenty ov examples of horn-dog lads in the ballet."

"But is Mark Bruce a ballet choreographer?"

"Annuver question fer annuver time. But if Ah'm pondering the quality of the extensions and rememberin the sexy stylings of MacMillan every time they do a pas de deux, it's ballet awright."

"Despite this, you are happy with the three star rating you've awarded the show?"

"Yeh. I dunno why you ad to give it all this about one frase, though. Seems a lot ov work for not much."

"We have examined the use of language in artistic contexts, explored the relationship of choreography to movement and considered the importance of identifying the difference between performance and artist - all in a dialectical format."