My TV Guide.

The Queen's Speech

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I won't be sending any cards this year: I've just bunged a couple of quid to some charity so I don't have to bother writing and sending a bunch of generic greetings. And I can tell you that I gave to charity instead, and you can bask in my generosity, knowing that the gap on your mantelpiece is actually paying for some dog-food or something!

However, I realise that this might disappoint some people, so I'm reviving another Yuletide tradition: the annual report from the family, photocopied and slipped inside a Christmas card, full of details about how amazing my family is, and all the cool things we did in the past year. 

Only I don't have a family, so it'll be the fragmented selves that torture my daily life with their nihilism, suppressed violence, frustrated desire and existential despair!

Happy Winterval!

I thought it might be nice to offer a selection of cards, so you can cut out and keep them. If you want. Not really too bothered at this point.

Anyway, it's been an amazing year for the Vile Arts! Our chief critic and primary consciousness (not forgetting his physical manifestation) was homeless for two months at the end of the summer! 

Not only did this give Gareth the chance to tell everybody about his situation, it led to some hilarious misunderstandings with members of the Revolutionary Communist Party, who insisted that he wasn't really homeless - in much the same way as they aren't really serious about smashing the state! Quipped GKV: 'it just goes to show that I'll never really be destitute, just as long as I don't conform to some hideous stereotype of poverty!'

This did have a happy ending though: Gareth has been admitted to study at Glasgow University. Although his thesis concerns comic books and theatre, he's out-sourced some of the workload to other members of the Vile Collective. Consequently, Mad Cyril has submitted a first draft of All Dramaturgs are Bourgeois: Conversations between Diderot and a Lap Dancer. 

Speaking of Mad Cyril, we're delighted that his series in Japan - Gor Blimey - has been recommissioned for a second series! After he got banged up for a few months - don't worry, Yewtree wasn't involved! - Cyril became a celebrity in the Far East, with images of him throwing a bin through a sushi shop window making the national news! 

Anyway, Cyril got his own show out of it: based on that Channel 4 racist classic, Banzai, it encourages viewers to gamble body parts on the outcomes of a series of competitions. The highlights of the last season included a whelk eating contest, a 'who loves their mum the most' shoot out (with Babs Windsor and Katie Price as the mums, no less!) and a Feed the Japanese Mick Jagger Lookalike with Mushrooms phone-in! 

We even got Shaun Ryder to do some indents, saying bits out of Performance. Rumour has it that Guy Ritchie wants the film rights.

Stay tuned for more news (or check out YouTube to see Mad Cyril's trailer for season two, which features lots of flashing colours, psychedelic flying dustbins and Cyril's catchphrase Do You Want To Get Sucked In).

Criticulous, meanwhile, has been keeping a low profile. With The Vile Arts going academic, he's been locked in the CCA cleaning cupboard until he can explain what research as practice means.

He did manage to escape for a couple of appearances though: who can forget his routine on The Limmy Show? Apparently, even though he just stared at the camera and explained how he was rejecting existentialism on the grounds that having a body was a form of essence and therefore its humanistic manifestos were inherently contradictory, no-one seemed to notice it was him and not one of Limmy's sketches!

Apparently one BBC producer said that he might as well take over the writing for the entire series, since Limmy was still trading on the goodwill from his old on-line videos, and they were squeezing his comedy into a medium that undermines its humour already! 

Criticulous is already promising an epilogue to his Trilogy, although his original concept - an intimate performance that is a mimetic version of a date - has been rejected by Creative Scotland and around seventy-six women he asked in the CCA in one evening!

Christmas is not just for good times

Bah, humbug. This year I am going to have a religious Christmas, because it suits my counter-cultural miserabilism and means I can forget that the enlightenment happened. I've been reading Diderot lately (see previous blog-posts) and anything that allows me to ignore the rise of capitalist consciousness is a Vile Favourite this month.

After I have seen my last pantomime, that's it: I'm pretending that is is about 1500, and the only art I'm allowed is Christian. Beat that, ascetics.

On the positive side, I totally win the music. The oft-repeated phrase 'the devil has all the best tunes' is tested by Christmas. Apart from that one song by her off Titanic, Christmas music is rubbish, and mostly celebrates the secular side of the season. So you can have Roy Wood, Chris De Burgh and Slade. I've got Bach and Arvo Part. 


And I've got the Scottish Ensemble. Three Parts Bach is their Christmas offering, and there's plenty of Jesus stuff there. Have some of this for starters.

Here's the lyrics.


German text

Wenn wir in höchsten Nöten sein
und wissen nicht, wo aus und ein,
und finden weder Hülf’ noch Rat,
ob wir gleich sorgen früh und spat:
So ist das unser Trost allein,
daß wir zusammen ingemein
dich rufen an, o treuer Gott,
um Rettung aus der Angst und Not.
Sieh nicht an unser Sünden groß,
sprich uns der selb’n aus Gnaden los,
steh’ uns in unserm Elend bei,
mach’ uns von aller Trübsal frei.
Auf daß von Herzen können wir
nachmals mit freuden danken dir,
gehorsam sein nach deinem Wort,
dich allzeit preisen hier und dort.
Paul Eber, 1566 based on In tenebris nostrae by J. Camerarius, c.1546
 

English translation
When we in deep distress and grief,
knowing not where to seek relief,
can find no help nor comfort here,
tho’ we have sought it far and near.

Then this alone our comfort be,
that we may all in unity
still call on Thee, true God, and know
Thou’lt save us from all fear and woe.

See not, thou’ great our sins may be,
but by Thy grace, Lord, set us free,
be near us in our misery
and keep us all from sorrow free.

That we with all our hearts may raise,
once more our joyful, grateful praise,
submissively Thy word declare,
and ever praise Thee, here as there.


Seriously, check the rhymes. 'Deep distress and grief... no help nor comfort here'. I'm just asking - what sounds more like the UK in December 2015: this, or that bloke with sideburns bellowing 'It's Christmaaaaas!!!!'?

Okay, I am against the bombing of Syria, and the best way I can imagine to combat ISIL is to celebrate the best of the western tradition. David Cameron might think that an elite group ignoring both common sense and the opinion of a large proportion of the populace is part of the western tradition (and yes, that has been a bit of a theme, especially in the twenty-first century), I am going to listen to the compositions of reverential composers.

STRANGE TOWN CHRISTMAS DOUBLE BILL

It might be Christmas time, but the Vile Arts never rests. If I am not at pantomime, I am seeking something that can take the taste of tired routines out of my ears... much as I love the call and response, the "bring down the clout" chants and the flashing novelty toys, I do need the odd performance of a more dissonant bent. Anatomy at Summerhall is looking good, but the wonderful Scottish Storytelling Centre is hosting Strange Town for a couple of festive specials.

Snow White and the Seven Delinquents is another take on the fairy-tale that smacks it into the twenty-first century. The step-mother has an application on her phone that does for a magic mirror and Prince Charming is trying to get into Heat magazine. It says a great deal about the post-modern age that the characters in myths end up getting deconstructed every single time they turn up in a contemporary setting - either that the old tales are losing their meaning, or that our vision of human potential is increasingly limited. 

Still, stuff like this is a good corrective to the simple stories that pantomime serves up. If I see too many straight versions of Cinderella, I start crying that my prince hasn't woken me up with a kiss - and it feels like a century has already passed in idle snoozing.

Part two of the double bill has some strong language and is set on Hogmanay in Edinburgh.  Just like my New Year is going to be...

Dates:   Sun 16 - Tue 18 Dec 2012                                                                                                                     Box Office: 0131 556 9579

Tickets: £7.50 (£4.50)                                                                

Twitter Handle: @infostrangetown

Strange Town Young Company presents...

Snow White & The & Seven Delinquents

by Alan Gordon

Time: 7:00 pm (50 mins)                                                         

With Step-Mummy raging at her Magic Mirror App and Prince Charming desperate to be Heat’s torso of the week, it’s up to seven teenage tearaways to point Snow towards her, like, totally happy ending.

Emerging young writer Alan Gordon and Strange Town Young Company offer you their unique take on this well known tale.

And...

Meet You For The Bells

Time: 9:00 pm (50 mins)                                                         

 It’s Hogmanay in Edinburgh . . . join us for The Bells as we ring out the old and ring in the new. How was 2012 for you?

  

Both shows are directed by Steve Small (‘Chow Mein’, Traverse Theatre & ‘Teach Me’, Hill Street) and written by up and coming Edinburgh based playwright, Alan Gordon (‘this is a mature and assured pleasure’ **** ThreeWeeks ‘Teach Me’ 2012)