Bad News for Actors.

The weather is hot and the room has no air flow. There is something stinking in my office, and for once it isn't me. Theatre, the mighty majestic master of manipulative mimesis has passed over to paradise, and I am left with the rotting corpse and a rental agreement that forbids the use of incense sticks.

The post-modern detective has been called in - he is always on the last case before his retirement. He surveys the scene, lights a cigarette and is reminded of Health and Safety regulations.

'It's gonna be a tough one,' he drawls in a voice so deep that would make a DJ kick a hole in a dub-plate. 'The last time I saw a case this big, it was when we hauled Nietzsche in for killing God. He denied it - blamed all of us - and we could never find the body.'

Theatre had been playing about with a bad crowd for a while. The dead-end absurdists of the Post-War Era, wild-eyed kids with nothing to lose except their nuclear paranoia. There was that period when theatre when underground, got dragged into the drug scene, had a few links with revolutionary organisations.

'Hey, that was the 1960s,' said theatre in a later interview. 'We were all at it: novels, poems got beat: we all wanted to copy rock'n'roll. It was the cool new thing.'

When I found the corpse, it was under my desk. I didn't mind that theatre was dead. I just wish I hadn't been the first to notice.

'Right,' coughed the PoMo Dick. 'Time to call in the usual suspects. Get Criticulous on the line.'

For Rosie out of The Arches

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Criticulous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation. 

An enjoyable afternoon spent in The Arches is coming to an end. When Vile lets me out - sadly, no-one realises that I am being Criticulous and everyone still calls me Gareth - I enjoy the opportunity to chat to artists. Of course, they don't realise that I am going to steal their ideas and present them back to unsuspecting audiences. 

The foyer is starting to fill up now: Alien War is about to begin. I've prepared my chair for tomorrow - I'll be sitting them from 2pm, and Eric will be ushering the audience into my presence. Remember: there is nothing to fear. I hate myself far more than I hate you.

I can't help but feel gratitude to The Arches. They have offered me the chance to explore some of my ideas about the potential for criticism. They've also offered me plenty of work to review over the years, and some of my favourite memories. Most of them happened out the front, where casual conversation over cigarettes evolved into friendship.

Mixed in with that gratitude is a sense of fear. Vile has spent the afternoon writing a few new scenes for the script. I am pretty sure these are the ones where he kills me off. He is tired of being hidden by a grander personality. He fears what I represent. Given that I was born out of his vulnerability, his sensitivity to criticism, his isolation, it's unsurprising that he wants shot of me.

So, although it starts at 2pm, I can't say when I Love Criticulous and Criticulous Loves Me is going to end. Each "reading" will take about five minutes - if you fancy coming along, maybe to say goodbye to me, I won't keep you for long. But at some point, the final scene will be randomly selected from the script, it will be read and Criticulous will depart. 

If humans wonder about what happens after death, imagine what it is like for self-aware fictional constructs. 

Scene 4567a (Third Draft)

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Criticulous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation. 


The therapist asked me why I believed that criticism was the original art form. I thought that psychiatrists were supposed to listen. Instead, I got a lecture about how criticism, by its vary nature, is responsive, and cannot be original...

"In any specific incidence, let alone in the wider context of art itself. Are you insisting that criticism pre-dates any other artistic medium or genre?"

I replied that I thought therapy was supposed to be about my mental health, not an abstract discussion of aesthetics. There was a nice, comforting silence. I started to feel at home. It's like that time I decided to recite William Burrough's story about The Man Who Taught His Arsehole To Talk at the party for my grandmother's sixtieth birthday. Another minute, and tumble-weed would have rolled across the room.

"I'm interested in where you draw the line. It seems that so much of your identity is tied up within definitions of art, your response to art. And it never hurts to call a patient on what is, frankly, a delusional opinion."

Quick as a mood change in Alan Ayckbourne's mid-period comedies, I retort that plenty of people have delusional opinions, and that doesn't get them hauled up in front of the reality police. 

"Give it six months," my therapist smiled. 

I'd heard humour was often used in therapeutic situations to help the client feel at ease. I am not sure whether this is supposed to extend to alluding to conspiracies deep within the government to round up Christian fundamentalists.

"Dear God, are all of the scenes like this one? A serious point is presented, and the script wanders off to banter about the first thing that comes into your head?"

"Pretty much. Although I tend to make more references to where I steal my ideas from. This scene is a tribute to that one Punch, which had the famous puppet up on charges for assault and battery. Starred him out of Frisky and Mannish."

It's a shameless act of self pollution

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Critculous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation.

The idea for I Love Criticulous was inspired by Joseph Beuys. I don't want to give too much away... there isn't that much to give away, anyway. But then Vile remembered seeing An Oak Tree by Tim Crouch and decided to rip it off. And he was listening to Radio 3 while he was writing the script, and realised that he could pretend that the piece was a celebration of John Cage's hundredth anniversary if he built in a random selection process. 

The thread that runs through the script is a darkly cynical exploitation of the work of other artists. In the absence of any real inspiration, Vile figured that he could pose as a post-modernist by collaging the inspiration of others. His conscience bothered him, so a great deal of the text involves explaining the references, acknowledging his sources.

But there is a core message at the heart of all... and not just that no-one ought to trust a critic who claims that they are making a collaborative art work. To be honest, we've been rehearsing it for three weeks, and I am not entirely sure what the message might be.

Oh yeah, that's the interpretation thing. Apparently it is all about how every possible reading is valid. That just sounds like a pitiful excuse, to be honest.

Messianic Musings

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Critculous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation.

I rather fear that I am suffering from an existential crisis. That's unsurprising. I am an imaginary construct, designed to express the various neuroses of Gareth K Vile. Fortunately, he has got plenty of them, and I'll be around for years while he tries to work them out.

So, of course, technically, I don't exist. But that isn't what an existential crisis means, anyway. It's people with more thought than intelligence wondering about their purpose. My purpose is very clear. I am cleansing the earth of its existing notions about criticism, and replacing the popular image of the critic with something new.

But thinking about it, the popular image of the critic is of an intelligent, honest writer, who applies a detailed, practical knowledge to the assessment of art, before communicating in a straight-forward entertaining prose.

That's not so bad.

And the new critic I am supposed to be heralding? A buffoon who forgets the names of artists, who does not do research, who can't even decide how many stars a show is worth. 

And damn, if I don't lack agency. I am just a cypher for someone else's half-baked ideas. I bet this is how Jesus felt just before the Romans caught him. 

Criticulous thanks Grant

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Criticulous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation.

You know who the really important guys are in theatre? Really... I bet you think I am going to say the critics... Yeah, well, right. Think again.

It's the technical guys behind the scenes. Seriously. Sure, there is always that nice moment when the cast points to the sound and lighting people  - after they have had their own applause, of course. And they sometimes get their names in the programme. But no-one really takes the time to thank them. And even if they did, the tech guys are usually too busy to hear it. They are cleaning up the bloody mess the "creatives" leave behind.

I've just spent some time with my personal tech guy, Eric Karoulla, and chatted with the wonderful Grant from The Arches. Eric's reward will be to get to be part of the show tomorrow - I can't wait until he sees the outfit I've designed for him - but Grant just arranges stuff and never gets a just reward.

On the other hand, if Grant wasn't so efficient, Criticulous would still be an idea in the back of the Vile mind. But don't hold that against him. Criticulous can give thanks, but accepts full responsibility for the consequences...

Karoulla takes control...

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Criticulous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation. 

To whom it may concern,

Eric here. Vile is out for a cigarette, with Criticulous nagging at him about his divine qualities. 

I can't say I know what Criticulous is up to, although he mentioned tomorrow is to be "the final Criticulous performance" and "supposed to be the last part of the Criticulous Trilogy". 

But then, how does Vile plan to expel or retire Criticulous? 

Also, he intends to wrap up a trilogy, which doesn't adhere to the structure of our beloved Classical Greek tragedies (prologue, parode, episode, stasimon, exodus, epilogue) and doesn't even consult the ancients. 

Furthermore, he has broken all unities - unity of place and time as well as continuity of action (albeit one might argue rules were made to be broken).

Betrayal!

Then again, the parode, episode and stasimon would require the unified voice of a chorus, for a dialogue to occur, and I don't see anyone stepping up to the plate to represent that. 

Where does that leave us?

Well, tomorrow, I will be busy being part of the furniture, while our audience members  (aka willing victims) will step in as actors, therefore once again there is a gap to be filled.

What's more, the agon (literally: struggle, fight, debate) between our two main characters rests between Vile and Criticulous. 

So is Mr. Vile simply externalising an internal dilemma, torn between two identities (he's lucky there aren't more) or is he asking me to mediate in his interrogation of the audience of our chosen artform?

(well, he chose it and I was sucked into the black hole...)

It's a cheap act of self promotion!

Show Name: I Love Criticulous and Criticulous Loves Me
Artist: Gareth K Vile
Venue: Arches LIVE 2012
Date: Sat 29 Sep 2012 |2pm onwards | Foyer| Free

Descriptions (from The Arches Website): He took confession, investigated murder, chatted to stars and was locked up in a basement for his art. Now Criticulous faces the ultimate challenge: collaboration. 

Unwilling to admit that criticism is not the original art form, Criticulous fights his ego and mounting anxiety to present a series of pieces that brings dance, radio, dialectics, sculpture and the audience into his relentless quest to understand a world he did not create but reflects.
Contains desperation.


The rumour is that Vile is trying to retire me. He did that thing in the Fringe - The Passion of Criticulous -  and it got me into a fist-fight with a Polish political company. I don't think it is an accident that he keeps making works that involve me either insulting people who are bigger than me, or being put into clear and present danger. The last time I went, I was performing in a lift-shaft. Health and Safety?

Oh, I am sorry. Please, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Criticulous. I am the world's only performance critic. That is to say, no-one else would be stupid enough to do something like this. I have been working with The Vile Arts for about three years. I represent the attempt by Vile to break the fourth wall, from the audience's side.

This particular production - I Love Criticulous, and Criticulous Loves Me - is supposed to be the last part of the Criticulous Trilogy. It is the final Criticulous performance, in much the same way as Status Quo did a farewell tour in 1986. Get real. I'm The Vile Arts' cash cow.

You'll notice the intelligent reference to Joseph Beuys in the title. Originally, we intended to recreate the classic Live Art work, in which Beuys spent some time in a gallery space with a coyote. Sadly, we clash with Alien War in the basement, which does something similar to far more visceral effect.

You can insert the jokes here about how no self-respecting scavenger would want to share a room with a critic.

I'd like to take this opportunity to invite you  to come along and find out what we've decided to do instead. I'll be blogging on and off all day, giving you little extracts of the show, reflecting on the process, making slurs and revealing showbiz secrets.