St Valentine Ideas...

It's Valentine's 'weekend', apparently. While I am all for celebrating saint's days - especially if the saint happens to be a Jesuit - I'm not sure that expanding it to a weekend is going to help those of us who are 'exploring celibacy as a valid lifestyle option'. 

But I am sniffing a social media bandwagon. Here's five ways to celebrate...

Get some Cock at the Tron

Since I am already a persona non grata round the east end theatre, thanks to a series of crass headlines, I might as well keep up the vulgarity. Cock is a play about the drama that happens when identity politics collide with desire, or when the fictional idea of 'love' conflicts with lived reality.

There's a guy and his lover, and his other lover, then the lover's dad turns up and Mick Bartlett's script dissects the intersection of the public and the political. Andy Arnold directs with sparse precision. It's an uncomfortable ninety minutes, which might make you a better person.

Consider your desires at Club Noir
It's the world's biggest burlesque club, and the men dress up like me: I was there at New Year, and felt like it was a tribute to critics who like to buy suits and look like a 1950s' detective. 

But don't let that put you off: it's a party that is made by the audience. There are always great acts on stage - which are either excellent entertainment or a challenge to our prurience about sexual performance, depending on how far you want to take the critic theme. This is my concession to people who actually want to have fun this weekend. 

Go to Mass, you bloody pagan
Yep, Valentine is another example of how Christianity has defined our calendar. On Sunday morning, get along to Duns Scotus to celebrate the Eucharist in the presence of the saint's bones.

Long before he was commercially exploited, St Valentine had a feast that replaced the Roman Lupercalia - a holiday for fertility, banishing evil spirits and animal sacrifice antics. He had set up a kind of ancient Gretna Green service, He was also a doctor, so going to mass is a nice way to have a pop at Jeremy Hunt.

Support the Junior Doctors

Now I have mentioned Jeremy Hunt, to the mystification of readers outside the UK, there's a big row going on: a government minister, who has such a bad reputation that his name is now rhyming slang, is trying to impose a new contract on Junior Doctors, who are already tripping balls due to not getting enough sleep. 

Just add C-

Not sure how to show support - petitions are not my thing - but a little bit of Christian love sent out to the doctors would respect St V. Maybe you could dress up as a doctor for Club Noir.

Remember the Involuntary Celibates of Criticism

There are those among us who have given up on romance in order to take a shamanic journey to the heart of performance art. Why not send them some chocolates, or roses, or a card? The CCA on Sauchiehall Street will accept these and pass them on...